36 Months of November

 When November blows in, the sky becomes pewter, and the fallen leaves turn brittle.  The musty air smells of smoke, and tree limbs look grim and skeletal.  Noses feel chilled, and harsh winds chap cheeks.  The landscape is shaded in grays, browns, and black.  

*She was lively, joyful, talented, funny, and warm.*

The first snowfall is wispy;  tiny flakes float and dance, melting upon contact with the ground.  Birds have sought refuge in warmer climes, or have fled to  shelters in wooded thickets.  The lively sound of chattering birds is replaced by the stillness of late Autumn.  

*She loved life, her family, animals, food, and reading.*

Winter pushes in, bringing sure death to nature.  The sunlight hours dwindle to naught, and darkness prevails.  Heavy snows cover the land, veiling what little, dingy green had been left on the ground.  We live, day to day, with no assurance that the snow will melt...that light will return...that gray will recede.

*She was unique, and volatile, generous, intelligent, and tender.*

Faith tells us that we will see, once again, the arrival of color, the lengthening of days, the warmth of spring.  Birds will sing and chirp, delighting the senses.  Buds on trees will appear, and leaves will burst forth in shades of lime, kelly, and emerald.  Blooms in every color will emerge, transforming our view from barren and bleak to a paradise of splendor.  The atmosphere will smell of lilacs, damp soil, ozone, and warmth. Inert, icy waters will flow once again, and sunlight will shine like a thousand tiny lights, reflecting on ripples.

*She died three years ago on this day.  I watched life slip away, feeling empty in a way I had never known before.  The bottom of my reality dropped out and I was thrust into a new dimension.  

Every moment of my life, Mom had been there, and now...she was not.  The essence of Toni -- the smile, her laugh, her touch, her dancing eyes -- was gone.  I just could not, and still cannot, understand where she went.

I've been in an Autumn and Winter, of sorts, since that day.  I wonder if I will ever feel her presence again.  She left, and I felt nothing.  Except profound grief.  No sense of my mother, in any way.  I never even dreamed about her, although gradually, I have had some dreams.  They're never really good dreams...she is usually not well, not herself.  There is always a weirdness to those deep sleep images.

My faith has never waivered in that there is a God, there is an afterlife.  But, when Mom died, I no longer felt reassurance in that.  I fight to overcome this because faith and feelings are two very different things.  Feelings really don't mean a thing.  

One day, as the sun, the soil, the landscape, and nature will assuredly be renewed, so shall I be reunited with my dear mama.  I don't "feel" it at all.  I only "know" because I have faith.*

*In a parellel universe, I have lived in a perpetual springtime.  My relationship with Dad, John, and each of my children...my brothers, their wives, my nephew, and other family and friends...there is a constant flow of joy, prayers, interactions, and love.  These things are a buffer between me and the darkness.  Life *is* synonymous with love.  I know Toni is alive.  And I will always love .