Each day, since Mom passed away, I have thoughts of "if only".
She and Dad celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary on December 31, 2018. The weather was typically bitter and unpleasant, but John and I promised that when better days arrived, we would take them to a little restaurant called The Yankee Kitchen.
It never happened. Mom's health began to decline about two weeks later, in the midst of a cold snap unlike anything seen in this area for a couple of decades. We simply ran out of time.
She would have loved to see Therese in her prom dress as well as to have witnessed her grandchild be confirmed in the Catholic faith...she would have been proud that Ian found such a great deal on a brand new car, and that JohnPaul made the decision to get his hair cut, looking to donate the ponytail to sick children...
How happy she would have felt, knowing that Tony and Miranda finally found a place to settle down in, and that the house had belonged to her uncle, many years ago. I know that fact would have tickled her! Being that Maria followed in her grandma's footsteps, attending YSU, and pursuing a writing career, she would have been pleased to see that she has kept up a 4.00 GPA.
I know if she had the opportunity to attend Jacob's latest play at the opera house, she would have felt so much pride. And, to know that Danny's ordination is this Saturday would have meant the world to her.
I have dearly missed our daily phone calls, her messages on my answering machine, her random drive by's to drop off goodies for me or the dogs.
Most days, things happen, and I have this empty realization that I can't tell Mom about it. It ranges from the important (Therese's needing X-rays to follow up on her scoliosis), to the mundane (Raphie learned to push his water bowl when it's empty). Mom was always there to encourage me, to empathize, to cry with me, to rejoice with me.
I have so much I wanted to do with her that never happened. It will never happen now. The finality of that fills me with profound sadness.
I realize that no matter how much time we get with someone, it is never enough.
We never feel quenched.
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