Warning: Raw Feelings
I only slept 2 hours last night. Raphie was having bouts of blood streaked diarrhea every hour or so from 10 pm to 4 am.
I found myself cleaning up messes, with tears in my sleepy eyes. Jacob suggested I set down paper so I wouldn't have to keep chasing after the dog. That was a helpful idea.
I wracked my brain. Did he eat something he shouldn't have? I remembered letting him have a lick of juice from the grapefruit I ate the day before. I had been amused that he seemed to like the sour flavor.
I googled dogs and grapefruit. I burst into a full out sob. Grapefruit can be toxic to canines. I went into full -- blown interior combat: You idiot. Are you stupid? Why would you give Raph grapefruit juice? Do you want to hurt him?
I looked over at John, sleeping soundly next to me in the dark. I wanted to wake him, but didn't. It was around 3 am. I wrestled with an irrational urge to be angry that he was sleeping and I was not...that I was consumed with anxiety, and he was not...that I needed his arm around me, but it was not around me.
I went online and saw that Miranda was logged into Messenger. She was at work, but I told her what happened. She reassured me, and I felt a little better, a little less alone. She asked how he was acting. Other than the bowel issue, he was acting normal. She told me that if I needed her, she would be awake (she works nights), and that I could always contact her again.
I was beyond grateful for her support. Thank you, God, for my beautiful family.
It's now 11:00 am, and Raph is still acting fine. His last bout of diarrhea was at 4, so at least that has stopped. I won't feel satisfied that he is out of the woods until he returns to normal, of course.
Because I am sleep deprived, I have not moved off the couch since I laid down on it at 7:30 this morning. Mental/emotional/physical inertia paralyzes me.
I have been carrying several other people's burdens for too long. I don't know how to unload this weight that shouldn't be mine. I understand (intellectually) that it is good to help others with their crosses, but somehow I have taken too much on, and I can't deal with it. I wonder what is wrong with me.
I had a talk with John about this, but he and I are too much alike in this sense. He does the same thing, and there is no one to break the cycle. I so wish he was the kind of husband who would take the bull by the horns and say, "Let's make some changes." Instead, he sighs and says, "I know. I have the same problem."
One of the reasons I love him is that we have always been so compatible. Yet, strangely, this is a case where compatibility is actually incompatible.
Someone (anonymous person in my life) who needs me seems to have never ending requests for my help. Said person truly has no one else, and yet, I react to their requests like I might react if a scorpion were to crawl up my arm.
This person has requested my help this afternoon, and everything inside me wants to scream, NO!!!! I don't even know why, it's not that big a request. It's just the circumstances...I have an obligation to take my son to work at 1:30. I will be picking Therese up from school at 2:50. This person needs me anywhere from 3:30 to 4:30, or maybe 5. Well, that's the part that sticks in my craw.
There is a vague wisp of "I'm sorry" in the request, but it (as it always is) is followed up with the air of "but...I need it my way." There is never a request that says, "What day and time is best for YOU?". I want to believe I'm not being manipulated, but my radar tells me otherwise. Loving relationships shouldn't feel this way, should they?
So, I am making myself available from 3:30 on (and on) until who knows what time.
Meanwhile, the chicken I bought two days ago, with the intent of cooking this afternoon, sits in refrigerated limbo. John gets home from work between 5:40 and 6:00. My plan was to have dinner in the oven by 4:30.
Of course, I could cook it ahead of time, and reheat it. Or, I could wait and we could eat an hour later. I just do not want to do that. I want to do a repeat of my phone call last night with said person. I want to hear them say, "What is your schedule like tomorrow? What do you have going on?"
I must say that I have built up resentment that is like a toothpaste tube being squeezed. There is no telling when the paste will ooze out! And, to top it off, I have overwhelming guilt for feeling resentful!
The kicker is that I know God calls us to be saints. I just wish I would cooperate with Him, and stop thwarting His plan at every turn.
Or...am I? Is it possible that I don't know how to set boundaries, and people are taking advantage of my desire to be helpful?
All I know is that at this moment, I do not have inner peace. I am filled with dread, and resentment, and exhaustion.
I found myself cleaning up messes, with tears in my sleepy eyes. Jacob suggested I set down paper so I wouldn't have to keep chasing after the dog. That was a helpful idea.
I wracked my brain. Did he eat something he shouldn't have? I remembered letting him have a lick of juice from the grapefruit I ate the day before. I had been amused that he seemed to like the sour flavor.
I googled dogs and grapefruit. I burst into a full out sob. Grapefruit can be toxic to canines. I went into full -- blown interior combat: You idiot. Are you stupid? Why would you give Raph grapefruit juice? Do you want to hurt him?
I looked over at John, sleeping soundly next to me in the dark. I wanted to wake him, but didn't. It was around 3 am. I wrestled with an irrational urge to be angry that he was sleeping and I was not...that I was consumed with anxiety, and he was not...that I needed his arm around me, but it was not around me.
I went online and saw that Miranda was logged into Messenger. She was at work, but I told her what happened. She reassured me, and I felt a little better, a little less alone. She asked how he was acting. Other than the bowel issue, he was acting normal. She told me that if I needed her, she would be awake (she works nights), and that I could always contact her again.
I was beyond grateful for her support. Thank you, God, for my beautiful family.
It's now 11:00 am, and Raph is still acting fine. His last bout of diarrhea was at 4, so at least that has stopped. I won't feel satisfied that he is out of the woods until he returns to normal, of course.
Because I am sleep deprived, I have not moved off the couch since I laid down on it at 7:30 this morning. Mental/emotional/physical inertia paralyzes me.
I have been carrying several other people's burdens for too long. I don't know how to unload this weight that shouldn't be mine. I understand (intellectually) that it is good to help others with their crosses, but somehow I have taken too much on, and I can't deal with it. I wonder what is wrong with me.
I had a talk with John about this, but he and I are too much alike in this sense. He does the same thing, and there is no one to break the cycle. I so wish he was the kind of husband who would take the bull by the horns and say, "Let's make some changes." Instead, he sighs and says, "I know. I have the same problem."
One of the reasons I love him is that we have always been so compatible. Yet, strangely, this is a case where compatibility is actually incompatible.
Someone (anonymous person in my life) who needs me seems to have never ending requests for my help. Said person truly has no one else, and yet, I react to their requests like I might react if a scorpion were to crawl up my arm.
This person has requested my help this afternoon, and everything inside me wants to scream, NO!!!! I don't even know why, it's not that big a request. It's just the circumstances...I have an obligation to take my son to work at 1:30. I will be picking Therese up from school at 2:50. This person needs me anywhere from 3:30 to 4:30, or maybe 5. Well, that's the part that sticks in my craw.
There is a vague wisp of "I'm sorry" in the request, but it (as it always is) is followed up with the air of "but...I need it my way." There is never a request that says, "What day and time is best for YOU?". I want to believe I'm not being manipulated, but my radar tells me otherwise. Loving relationships shouldn't feel this way, should they?
So, I am making myself available from 3:30 on (and on) until who knows what time.
Meanwhile, the chicken I bought two days ago, with the intent of cooking this afternoon, sits in refrigerated limbo. John gets home from work between 5:40 and 6:00. My plan was to have dinner in the oven by 4:30.
Of course, I could cook it ahead of time, and reheat it. Or, I could wait and we could eat an hour later. I just do not want to do that. I want to do a repeat of my phone call last night with said person. I want to hear them say, "What is your schedule like tomorrow? What do you have going on?"
I must say that I have built up resentment that is like a toothpaste tube being squeezed. There is no telling when the paste will ooze out! And, to top it off, I have overwhelming guilt for feeling resentful!
The kicker is that I know God calls us to be saints. I just wish I would cooperate with Him, and stop thwarting His plan at every turn.
Or...am I? Is it possible that I don't know how to set boundaries, and people are taking advantage of my desire to be helpful?
All I know is that at this moment, I do not have inner peace. I am filled with dread, and resentment, and exhaustion.
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